Tuesday, November 25, 2014

A year later

My little sister (above) flew out yesterday, after spending two weeks with us.  Tomorrow, M takes her first flight, to Colorado, where she will be surrounded by more family -- hopefully I can catch up on well-needed sleep and finally get over this nagging cough.

There's so much to be thankful for this year.  Last Thanksgiving holiday was a difficult one.  I alluded to many things, but never really wrote about everything.  In addition to my aunt's sudden death and some upheaval at work, this time last year I discovered I was pregnant, only to suffer what I believed to be an unequivocal miscarriage mere days after my discovery.  I was devastated.  I remember flying out to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving that day and how the airport seemed to swarm with babies.  Once in Wisconsin I remember confiding in Ethan's grandmother Megan, a petite woman who, with her steely eyes, sternly told me that this would pass, that women dig deep to find the strength to keep trying.

Well, a few delayed doctor appointments (and a few weeks of sickness) later, I discovered that I was, in fact, still pregnant.  

I didn't write about it then because it felt too close.  I carried it with me, even through the pregnancy, a little secret, a nagging fear.  But I've always tried to be honest in this space.

So it's crazy that a year later I will be flying with my little squishy daughter.  Motherhood is difficult, but I am so grateful for the presence of her in my life, and for the love of my incredible family and friends.


  1. Thanks for sharing this and being honest. Awww, your squishy M will be flying her first flight? I hope you feel better and get that much needed sleep. I love family, they will help to let you get those hours of sleep:) I'm so thankful for that. Enjoy your time with your family Jocy!

  2. This is so very beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I'm thankful for this space, and for your words!

  3. Ping and Shoko, thanks for the nice comments. Although this space feels anonymous to an extent, sometimes it is still difficult for me to get the words out. Thanks for reading.

  4. Beautiful photo. So happy for you that you didn't miscarry. I had a similar experience but with different results a few Thanksgivings ago and even as I brought little S to his first Thanksgiving dinner last year, I still thought about that missing soul.

  5. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My first pregnancy also ended in miscarriage and it was very difficult for me to come to terms with it even while I was pregnant with my now 4 year old. There is always a little sadness for me even today but I am so, so grateful for my son and the happiness he brings. xo


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